Saying no to the people I love the most is so hard
I have learnt to say no to outsiders, I can catch my need for approval and the yes on my lips and rein it in…
But when its my kids, family…I get over wrought with guilt and worst case scenario if I don’t say yes.
I give and give and give.. until I am empty.
My pattern has been children first, partner next (although too often in the past my partners have demanded first – to the detriment of my children, I never even considered if it was detrimental to me!!)
When I say no, I get overcome with feelings of guilt, that I’m a crap person, that I owe this person for x,y and z, that they will pull away from me, that they wont like me, that they wont love me, that they will leave me, that somehow my saying no…will cause them to die to me.
That’s how big my struggle with setting boundaries with the people closest to me is.
And then my little girl tia starts to shut down and adult me starts to cry…”why doesn’t anyone care about me, why do people keep expecting me to keep giving and giving, why cant they see I am depleted…”
I expect them to understand to notice and when they don’t, I cry a bit louder and I withdraw a bit more until I am a walking zombie, feeling insignificant and nothing.
What is this teaching me? Fucking nothing I rage…
What am I learning? Fucking nothing I rage
Again and again.. till self pity starts to look at herself… and the wise old crone in me starts to ask some questions of my bedraggled inner girl….
”have you told them you are empty?” the wise old crone whispers
“no they should know” my child retaliates
“But how would they know” my elder replies
“if they loved me they would see and they should care about me” she sobs
“but what if they don’t have the eyes of awareness?” softly, gently she probs the truth
“well they are blind and its not my job to teach them!!”
“ahhh my sweet child, but you know you are a teacher, you know that is your path, in everything you do you are teaching, sharing, knowledge is empowerment that is your heart”
“hmm…well that sucks, when do I get to be looked after, and cherished and have people care??? When is it my turn???” frustrated, brow creased she crys
“look around you my heart, look around you, you have surrounded yourself with people who are good and true, you have walked away from those who used and abused you, you have set boundaries all around you and this…these few.. these are your greatest teachers in return, they challenge you anew, they are the ones who will test you the most, they are your greatest opponent and your dearest ally, who else could you test your own skills against - but those who know your biggest weaknesses and your mightiest strength, these creations ….these creatures of your flesh, they are not your deadliest enemy, they are in fact your trial to freedom, your most divine testing of who you are now and wether YOU matter enough to YOU to say “no” to giving more than you have to give.
they will test you for no over and over, and they will rage at your no and test you again, and they will wail at your no.. and test you again, they will withdraw at your no, and test you again, they will leave you over no and test you again…and one day…one day they will respect your no, and one day they will appreciate your no, and one day…they will love your no.
So i'm booked in and on the official page to present at this year NZ SpiritFEST....
I have presented so many workshops at so many events that I've lost track...
I've facilitating the opening ceremony at one of NZ's biggest wellness gatherings as well as many festivals in the north island and shit-loads of smaller groups, conferences and healing Huis and Wananga
yet once again i find myself giddy with nerves and feeling FEAR!
"Why" i ask myself... "i know my shit...im good at this..."
Then i stopped and i checked in ....
yes, i have never been to this venue so there is natural organisational things i need to factor in, like how far do i have to carry my gear, what plants grow in the area that i can focus on etc.
yes, its a new festival, one i have not attended so there's a natural querying about the type of people attending and if i will find them approachable and receptive to my teachings....but i've been in some less than loving environments and still have had people enjoy and learn and love what i do...
so maybe......maybe.....this isn't fear..
maybe its just nervousness.....
maybe...maybe this isn't nervousness either???
Actually maybe, under the logistical figuring out.... it is actually a wee bit of excitement...abit of unknown adventure!!
I lost my sense of adventure for a few years..
i knew my love of all things that can be explored was deep, deep, deeeeepp down there inside me still...but it was swamped under distress, illness, family needs, dysfunction and a need to control and have routine and structure in order to keep my boat afloat.
So here i am, today.
I've built an ark..this fucker is not going to sink... I am not going to sink
So now i can let out my free spirited heart and let her roam and delve and go exploring again
I can wing this shit, I always do...I know what I do inside out and the rest well...it will come as we get to it!!
I always come through no matter what obstacles I come across...if ya cant go over - you go under..or around or you sidestep or fly or tunnel or out maneuver...somehow there is a way to keep moving....
and so I realize my fear is not fear at all..
Its a bit of adrenaline to pump me up for the inevitable stretching that comes from putting myself into an unknown situation...its my body prepping for the stretching and growth that it is about to explore, and it is the softening of my edges in order for them to expand into a bigger version of myself.
SO.... spiritFEST I greet you and lets get this party started!!!
if you attend my workshop at SpiritFEST 2019 you are automatically in the draw for a balm package and you can also purchase my products at special festival prices.
SpiritFEST have some awesome ticket deals below
Encourage everyone that you know to grab their tickets as soon as possible & if they get 3 friends to come they will get 100% of their ticket money back! Amazing!
and if you don't have 3 friends then get yourself a ticket and come and make some new ones!!
Here is your discount code. We invite you to share our special 10% off discount code which your friends can enter when buying their tickets.
Discount Code: TENOFFSPIRIT
if you don't know about SpiritFEST here is the official blurb
It's an event that celebrates global community, world music and well-being, from March 1-3rd in Waimauku, Auckland. Start 2019 conscious, connected and focused on achieving your wellness goals. The diverse programming of over 60 workshops and beautiful setting makes this a transformation festival like none other. It is truly an unforgettable experience of wellness, local and international culture and mesmerizing nature. Join me there! http://bit.ly/XavierRuddNZSpiritFestival
This time of year always brings up some interesting feelings.
All these parents posting their kids awards and certificates on line, ‘so proud of’ moments.
Social media is inundated with everyone’s magic moments of their kids achievements.
Its like this big writhing competition.
My daughter got best…
my son is top…
my kid is dating the (insert something high profile)…
my child received…. For …. (insert best ranking something)
my baby farted pink fluff… my child is lead, head, biggest, best, first, most, top……………
you name it.. its on some social media site… certificates, cups ribbons gowns, smiles, congratulations banners etc etc.
Now I’m not in any way intentionally dissing those parents and kids who did fucking awesome and worked hard to achieve those results, good on you and you bloody well deserve your accolades and I’m certainly not berating anyone but it makes me look back over my year and go…hmmmmm what did my kids achieve
one got pregnant at 19
One got stood down for smoking weed…then stood down again for drawing a penis on a chrome book
One wants to wear makeup to school at 11 years old and have a boyfriend
And one did a wee in his shorts last week
So no certificates here!!!
As I quietly sit scrolling through Instagram and facebook comparing myself, questioning my self and feeling like I’ve failed no end… asking where did I go wrong?…what did I not do the correct way?…how could I have bettered my kids????
I feel a familiar sensation, as the ever faithful mumma bear inside of me rises on her hind leg and bitch slaps me across the face
She roars “ Are you fucking kidding me lady????”
‘You have created 4 spectacular human beings!!!!”
You have a child who has so much faith in her ability to parent that she chose to do so…because she trusts in what she knows and she knows what she grew up with.. you have a teenager who will be the most loving, nurturing and abundant mother her child could hope for.. she is kind and gentle and responsible, and she has an inherent softness and inner strength that will be a blessing to all children… she is deep and creative and beautiful to her core …she bravely moved away to find herself and her strength and now she has come home to her safe place to raise her baby. There is no certificate or award that could ever match her value!!!
You have another teenage daughter who refuses to conform to the rules society has set her, she is fierce in her autonomy and she is not afraid to stand up for herself to speak her mind or to defend others in need, she is loyal and she is wild hearted in all the best ways…she is not another sheep, she is not another follower, she will stand alone and stand tall and stand free…your job is not to tame her it is to help her gallop wildly, freely and safely, you have done a phenomenal job of navigating her through all her roughest terrains and she is here with you still, connected, faithful to you because you rode with her through the fires and didn’t force her or break her…and a penis on chrome book is pretty funny (just the dick bit not the vandalizing property bit!!) and she’s pretty fricken good at getting you laughing… (or at least rolling your eyes) there is no ribbon worthy of a child such as this
You have a pre-teen who is open clear and absorbent, she is willing to hear all you have to say and does not hide from or cower away from guidance and information, she is eager to fit in yet will allow you to set boundaries for her and her age appropriateness, she feels safe to come to you and ask you about life and your intuition is very strong with sensing when she needs extra input, she is tumultuous and moody and creative and beautiful, she has your inner sense of making with passion and she still looks at you with adoration when you are being your “alternative self” and she wants to be and bathe in it with you, and she’s a mean shot on the bow and arrow. There is no trophy that will honour her
And your baby boy, your son. .he’s bouncing back and forth between being the “boy” the world expects of him. .and being the child who is solid, grounded, deep-hearted and strong.. he is finding his feet in a society that tells him he must be rough and tough and yet he has such a beautiful solid presence to him that only you can bring out in him and allow in him, in such a way that he will grow to be such a divine example of true masculinity. Do not be afraid of your need to nurture him, he responds with such openness and love… there is no award grand enough to give to him”
And when this internal part of me gently placed her paws back on the ground and she looked into my weeping eyes, I saw how great my triumphs are….My babies..... I saw why I parent perfectly for the children I have birthed…. I remembered that they are valuable beyond any recognition society could place on them.. and I know I have not failed.. my only failure was in forgetting how I first met each of them.. in spirit before conception and the moment when each of us decided that we would do this life together.
My failure was in trying to measure myself against the success of others and what certain groups deemed “worthy”
I have 4 rock-star children who are talented, beautiful and phenomenal…. each in their own unique way…
So here is my new measure of success for all you parents who might be feeling less than
If your child cuddles you at night…success
If your child wants to talk to you….success
If you child let you see them cry…success
If your child wants to bring their friends into you home….success
If your child wants to be near you….success
If you can laugh with your child….success
If you can sit down together and eat a meal with your child…success
If you can be completely open and honest with your child….success
If you child looks you in the eye…success
If your child lets themselves be angry in front of you…success
If your child challenges you…success
If you child acknowledges you….success
If you love your child…success
If you like your child ( and it doesn’t have to be all the time lol)…success
Lets move the measuring stones and create our own, based on what and who our children are.. not just what they achieve…but who they really truly are…
The true failure is that we let social media affect our sense of worth in such a detrimental way
Here’s to penises on chrome books, teen pregnancies, pre-pubescent teens and wet undies!!!!!
Sometime i wander restless..inside my mind
feral, wild, hunting for the thing.... that..that elusive thing.
Most times i do not know its source, just that its agitating and it is rubbing against my insides causing friction and discomfort.
I pace the corridors of thought, trying the many doorways lining the lengths of dark twists and turns.
Some doorways swing, opening easy and free, light flooding them, air fresh and thin.
NO what i seek is not here,
Nor is it there behind the heavy, ornate door which groans when opened but is well loved and oiled, its carvings touched so many times it is known in my sleep, like a lovers curves and troughs and peaks.
Door after door is flung open as i search, hunting, stealthy hunting for my prey, for my tormentor, for my salvation.
Is it behind this door the thing i seek?
I turn the handle, it jams, it creak's.
The hinges rusty and jagged, un-used
Is this where where it hides tonight ?
In I creep, paving one foot in front of the other, a whisper of foot fall, claws tensed, poised just inside their sheath, like a sword ready to slice if needed, to protect myself against this beast i seek..
and there she sits..
i've found her...i've tracked her, i've smelt her scent - she is Old musty thoughts and forgotten feelings, damp and rancid, shoved away for a rainy day, too big to deal with at the time of combustion.
pushed out, down, away, for a later time when i could confront her
now here she crouches, waiting, gathering dust, gathering momentum,
she knew i was hunting her, tracking her, following her beat through my veins.
she is prepared,
she is wild,
she is anger and rage, eons of time to build her strength, gathering power like a summer typhoon.
We lock eyes my wild hearted sister and i, we lock eyes my savage demon and i, we lock hearts my feral eyed friend and I.
and then we throw ourselves together - teeth bared, flesh ripping, spine shattering howls.
and in that whirlwind of bodies our limbs entwine and edges dissolve,
she is my pain, i am her terror,
thoughts cross, transpose and re-calibrate, we think and see from the same window pane.
breath foggy, foul and hot, inhale, exhale, rapid,
shallow becomes deep, lungs filling and releasing, cooling and cleansing.
till it calms and we expand with air and soften with life.
we become one,
her beating heart slows, my beating heart knows and we hear them reverberate together,
in time together. as one together..as one.
she is me and i am her....
my darkness, my shadow.
my power, my strength.
i am lost without her and found when we collide.
she hunts me, as i hunt her and we circle each other often,
rampaging together often,
ripping apart to travel alone often.