Saying no to the people I love the most is so hard
I have learnt to say no to outsiders, I can catch my need for approval and the yes on my lips and rein it in…
But when its my kids, family…I get over wrought with guilt and worst case scenario if I don’t say yes.
I give and give and give.. until I am empty.
My pattern has been children first, partner next (although too often in the past my partners have demanded first – to the detriment of my children, I never even considered if it was detrimental to me!!)
When I say no, I get overcome with feelings of guilt, that I’m a crap person, that I owe this person for x,y and z, that they will pull away from me, that they wont like me, that they wont love me, that they will leave me, that somehow my saying no…will cause them to die to me.
That’s how big my struggle with setting boundaries with the people closest to me is.
And then my little girl tia starts to shut down and adult me starts to cry…”why doesn’t anyone care about me, why do people keep expecting me to keep giving and giving, why cant they see I am depleted…”
I expect them to understand to notice and when they don’t, I cry a bit louder and I withdraw a bit more until I am a walking zombie, feeling insignificant and nothing.
What is this teaching me? Fucking nothing I rage…
What am I learning? Fucking nothing I rage
Again and again.. till self pity starts to look at herself… and the wise old crone in me starts to ask some questions of my bedraggled inner girl….
”have you told them you are empty?” the wise old crone whispers
“no they should know” my child retaliates
“But how would they know” my elder replies
“if they loved me they would see and they should care about me” she sobs
“but what if they don’t have the eyes of awareness?” softly, gently she probs the truth
“well they are blind and its not my job to teach them!!”
“ahhh my sweet child, but you know you are a teacher, you know that is your path, in everything you do you are teaching, sharing, knowledge is empowerment that is your heart”
“hmm…well that sucks, when do I get to be looked after, and cherished and have people care??? When is it my turn???” frustrated, brow creased she crys
“look around you my heart, look around you, you have surrounded yourself with people who are good and true, you have walked away from those who used and abused you, you have set boundaries all around you and this…these few.. these are your greatest teachers in return, they challenge you anew, they are the ones who will test you the most, they are your greatest opponent and your dearest ally, who else could you test your own skills against - but those who know your biggest weaknesses and your mightiest strength, these creations ….these creatures of your flesh, they are not your deadliest enemy, they are in fact your trial to freedom, your most divine testing of who you are now and wether YOU matter enough to YOU to say “no” to giving more than you have to give.
they will test you for no over and over, and they will rage at your no and test you again, and they will wail at your no.. and test you again, they will withdraw at your no, and test you again, they will leave you over no and test you again…and one day…one day they will respect your no, and one day they will appreciate your no, and one day…they will love your no.